Overcoming - Sharing #7
Lately, through various conversations and a little reality TV (I don't watch much cable), I noticed that the same theme kept showing up for me. I've heard so many stories of young black girls (13 and younger) being sexually abused by a family member. Sorry to start this one off so heavy. But, another thing that stood out in most (if not all) of these situations is that other adults in the house became aware of the abuse and did/said nothing. Another common strand was that these were young ladies who were not growing up at home. They were living with a Grandmother or an Aunt/Uncle.
I felt like I had some dark secrets that I carried around for years. For example, I had an abortion back in '07. It was against my better judgment, but I did it. I never really told anyone. I never even told the ones closest to me at the time because I had done something that went against our family's traditional beliefs. I was embarrassed and scared of what people would say. The few who knew of the pregnancy believed it was a miscarriage. Oddly, after about a week, we never really spoke of it again. Neither did anyone else. I never even told my Mom. Not even my Grandma, my Uncles, or friends (both of my only aunts on both sides are no longer here with us). It was a very hard situation for me that I privately carried around for years.
Then my whole world changed about 3 years ago. I was attending a church service, and my mom was the preacher. It was a good sermon. She talked about being free from your own self-guilt of the past. She mentioned how, for years, she felt like she was a murderer because she had an abortion when she was younger. My feelings that day were indescribable. On one hand, my heart was broken. I knew what it felt like to go through the abortion process. I felt so hurt that she had been through that, and I never knew. On the other hand, I felt so relieved to find out that I wasn't alone. I wished so bad that she had SHARED that with me so long ago. I still never brought this conversation to her, though. It was good enough for me just knowing I wasn't the only one. Her simply Sharing that experience (however it happened), freed me. We chat often, so maybe a conversation will eventually bloom on this topic!
My point is this. WE AS WOMEN/MEN NEED TO SHARE OUR STORIES. With our neighbors, our religious groups, our schools, and even ourselves. We definitely need to share it with our daughters and especially with our sons. I know we don't like to talk about this kind of stuff. But I have a few reasons why we definitely should talk and be more open moving forward:
1. Our children need to know from their own mouths what being violated is. Exactly what it looks like, how it makes you feel, and how it can affect you mentally. They should have some kind of understanding so that they will fight against it being done to them, and also so they won't do it to others. Give them a chance to have this not be an experience of theirs (especially if it's known to be common in your environment).
2. Other women (and men) will hear your story, and it'll give them so much hope. They will see where you are now and know for sure, by your example, that the road ahead can be so much different.
3. Secrets kill. They cause so many health problems, especially for women. They cause so much UNSPOKEN confusion. Family members don't get along or have these dark attitudes toward siblings or family authority figures, and we don't even know why. We all need peace. Peace of mind. One way to aid in that is to not have so many dark clouds in your thoughts. A secret itself can hold so much power. And, most times, just by verbally speaking your truth, you will overcome and break free from so much.
I recently met a lady (African American) who wrote a book. She was out selling them in front of a store and had her preteen kids with her. I asked her daughter what the book was about, and she shrugged her shoulders. The lady then nicely explained to me how she didn't tell them the book details because it was her personal story from childhood abuse to success, and she didn't want them to know the things that happened to her. Of course, I proceeded to explain how much power she would be giving her sweet little girl by simply sharing her story with her. One way or another, they will learn of all the evils here on this earth just as much as they learn about the pleasures. I would personally just rather be a better guide for my children through my own discussions.
Once, I was dating this guy. I noticed he was pushing me away, or kind of not letting us move forward. You know how we do that in some way or another. We get a bit comfortable with someone, and then one of our own insecurities pops up. Then that insecurity brings thoughts of "I'm not good enough, or this is too good to be true". So we back up or sometimes shut off. Well, he expressed an experience that he had as a kid and how it still causes him to have certain insecurities about himself. It's just always been that way since his certain experience. I looked at him and said, "Well, I had that same experience when I was younger as well". My point to him was that so many of us have had negative experiences. It's not our fault, and it was out of our control for simply being a kid. That was a groundbreaking moment for us because I think we both were learning that we could not be judged by each other!
4. We should share our past experiences in our relationships. Especially if you're talking about marriage. All of our own personal ways of doing things or our personal opinions of things are due to our experience. It's all a make-up of all the things we have been through. The way we saw the things done to us and/or around us. The more you know about your partner's background, the more you will understand the way they currently operate. And, the same goes for you. As time goes on in your relationship, you will come across some behavior of your partner that is a problem for you. Once you finally get around to talking about it, I'm sure they'll explain that they exhibit that behavior due to a childhood experience. I know it initially seems problematic to expose your hurtful experiences to someone you have deep feelings for. In fear that it will turn them away. From my experience, It will bring you closer to that person than you ever thought. You'll learn about the things you have in common and grow together. Or, you will compensate, balance, or grow compassion toward them, and then, still, grow together. Either way, you both win.
My main point is this - The more that we begin to share these sometimes, shameful, hurtful, embarrassing experiences, the more strength we will gain over the experience. Then, when we open up and start to share our past experiences, we get to give strength to others along the way. We can share more with our children and be the ones to break these bad cycles. Break these bad generational curses, as they like to call them. Share, and bring relief to those who are hurt from their experiences in silence. Share, and bring understanding to your loved ones of why you operate the way that you do. Share and give knowledge to a child to make them more aware and knowledgeable! We have a voice, I want us all to use it!
-Always Overcoming
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