Overcoming - Criticism #5

       

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 First off, "one way that I know Overcoming Criticism can be achieved is because Famous People do it every day". And that was the exact thought that made me just get over it. Getting over criticism or the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes (actual definition from Google), in my opinion, plays a major role in being able to live and be free and enjoy it. Let me explain why.

         I think back to one of my favorite books, "The Four Agreements". This book explains how we ourselves have created the laws that we govern life by, but were introduced by outside sources. These laws are often created and influenced by parents, religion, school, or society, but not by our own self. The reason that we chose to carry these laws is mostly due to the fear of others' opinions of your decision. Or something that someone said in reference to you that you chose to hold on to as truth. Most times, it is not necessarily even true. Or, not an act of how you may really currently feel. We just continue to do these things because going against the grain may cause too much friction and may sometimes make things worse. Right?

           Now, as always, I can only give you my opinion from my own experience. That same book also goes on to explain how to break free from all the laws we abide by in our lives that are from outward influences from childhood and up through life. How to change our actions to express what we truly believe inside and to abide by ONLY what WE deem. And that is the beginning of becoming conscience to me. Knowing that your own Soul exists and trusting it. Knowing that everyone here lives according to their own soul's opinions, as do you. But if you govern yourself by what you feel inside (whether you say it's your conscience, spirit guide, or holy spirit) and that only, you are always going to be right. Because everything you experience is always beneficial to you, whether it's a lesson or love, it will always add to your true life's purpose. On the other hand, if you try to impose your opinions on someone else's journey, it probably won't end up as a match. And the same goes for if someone imposed their opinions (according to their life/journey) on you.

       According to the Harvard Business Review, we need five positive comments for every negative one we experience. For those who end up divorced, the ratio was 0.77 to 1-or something like three positive comments for every 4 negative ones.) Clearly, in work and life, both negative and positive feedback have their place and their time. Surely a good way to Overcome Criticism is to quickly find the love or the lesson in it and govern yourself. For example, when I first opened Heart of Hair, I was 100% on my own. I wanted to make sure I would succeed, so I reviewed ways to achieve great Customer Service. In reviewing that, I also reviewed what others often said of me. I have heard before and do believe that if several people are saying the same thing about you (especially if these people are personally disconnected/strangers) then there is likely to be some truth to it. I know that previously, from behind the chair, I was doing my client's hair while standing behind a personal wall. I didn't care for many conversations and prided myself on completing styles on my clients in the shortest manner. Which required less socializing. Regardless of how I previously ran things, to succeed, I had to be more social. I worked on it, and in addition to always personally greeting those who entered, I also engaged politely in conversation on a personal level with my clients. This aided in the overall success and high customer service standards of my salon. I could have taken criticism and shut down, and just used the excuse that that's just who I am. Instead, I took the lesson from the customer service knowledge I gained and made necessary changes that geared my salon trajectory for success and even added an aspect of social balance into my lifestyle.
          I was headed in the right direction before this change. Looking back, the way I previously operated was very conducive to what I was doing at the time. But naturally, what I was desiring, to broaden my business and remain successful, required me to make personal changes that would accommodate my goals. Changes that propelled me to the next level. So, how exactly do you get over someone else having and voicing a negative opinion about something you decided? Knowing that the outcome that you're expecting to show up based on your own decision and based on your personal guidance system is secure and way more beneficial than anything someone else can come up with based on their own opinion. It's that simple. Live like their opinion doesn't affect you. Laugh that they've wasted their time on those ill thoughts, words, or actions. And move on like the breeze, easy and free.

- Always Overcoming

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Overcoming - Fear of Quitting #4

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Break The Cycle!

     Go ahead and just do it! If you allow me, then I can save you some precious time. It sometimes took me giving a situation several tries and many chances, causing deep hurt and regret along the way, to go ahead and call it quits. As I look back, I've even had a few years go by before I made the decision that this is enough. So, today I can tell you that wasting all that time and succumbing to situations that you know are not healthy for you is not necessary.

     From my experience, I can assure you that once I had decided my previous marriage was enough, I was definite. What took me so long to finally Break The Cycle (3 years later) was the worry of what others would think. The worry that maybe I didn't try hard enough, and all that self-doubt was widely in my way. I even had someone tell me that the woman is supposed to do what's necessary for the children to have their parents together, regardless of our feelings, because that's the necessary sacrifice. Sometimes I think people are so afraid of being blamed for the relationship ending that we can start to do things just to make the other person want to leave first. Honestly, you don't need the approval or opinions of others to do what's in your heart.

      Maintaining Peace of Mind needs to be your first priority. Breaking old habits is a beneficial way to achieve this peace. In most cases, doing this may lead to people misunderstanding you. You must really desire true inner peace and stay consistent with your decision, which may cause you to hold your tongue. Allowing your source (God, Spirit, Energy, etc.) to run its course, and it either being turned around for good or becoming a lesson. We must stop/quit the same behavior even if we think/assume it is helpful. Thus, really trusting your intuition or source. Let me explain the last line.

       So, in the part where I said you must stop/quit the same behavior even if you think/assume it is being helpful. I know it might sound strange, but it took me until recently to realize that some behaviors that I was doing in the name of "help" weren't being received as such. Basically, the things that I was doing to be helpful were being perceived by others as being bossy. Therefore, it was unwanted. That is a scary place to be in. Especially if being bossy wasn't your intention. I've been teaching my oldest son about this. Even if you do something as a joke, or helpful if it is constantly not being perceived the way that you intended it then it becomes an unwanted behavior and eventually damaging to the person on the receiving end. So, if you really want to connect with your true self, then even those little intricate parts of us have to be checked.

Now, I won't lie and tell you that breaking a cycle is easy and fun all the time. When I decided to finally end a situation, that sometimes meant that anything they chose to say or the lies spread about me were just going to have to sit there and simmer. I had to let what people had to say just run because if I tried to correct what was said, then I'd look up and be right in the middle of the BS. This turned out to actually be easy, even though before I tried it was a daunting task. How can you just sit still while lies about you are just running rapidly? Well, I just had to get to a point where my peace of mind was more important than not only what anyone says, but it's more important than what anyone believes, too.

How exactly do you break the cycle, you ask? Well, like I often say, it may vary from person to person, but I can only give you my opinion from my own personal experience.

For me, breaking the cycle meant that when the same behavior was displayed to me (like it was so many times before), I had to respond differently than I did all the previous times. Even though my usual response was nice, it always ended me back up in what felt like the trap I kept wanting to leave. I had to change my "nice" response of open arms and acceptance to really standing up for myself and saying no anymore. I look around and see so many examples of couples (mainly older than I) that are miserable but just use the excuse "That's just how they are". In my opinion, settling for that is an outdated way of thinking. The many excuses for why you should settle for these unwanted, hurtful, and most times damaging experiences. I personally try my best to live by the 3 strikes rule. I used to have a hard time drawing the line and knowing when to call it quits. And, this is not only a rule I use for intimate relationships, but in life in general. I use it with family, staff, employees, and even the kids. It works for me by allowing me the natural feelings I have to forgive, but it shows me the line to look out for. I will forgive openly with no judgment or changes toward a person. But, 3 strikes and you're out. After the 3rd time, I have to then reevaluate the relationship and make the necessary changes. Whether there needs to be immediate detachment, or I need to just keep you at a distance for a while, or I'll adjust to whatever the case may be.

    My whole point of all this is to just remind someone out there to not be afraid to do what's best for YOU. Even though they may want you to believe so, there is No One in the world who knows what is best for your path except you. You were born with everything that you need right inside of you. In your Mind, your Conscience, your Soul, your Heart.
These are all places of you that no one can reach unless you let them. But, if you give someone access to these areas and they do more harm than heal, It Is Perfectly Okay To Call It Quits!

-Always Overcoming

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Overcoming-Words Matter #3

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I was doing so good and consistently with creating content for this blog, and was highly motivated by all the goals I had in mind to accomplish. And then, Boom! My world went through what felt like a whirlwind. My 3 children (and I, too)  all had life experiences of their own that needed my full attention almost simultaneously. So, let's just say I got distracted, and rightfully so! I'm very grateful that I can be there for my children in the capacity that they need me to be and that it's not limited by my personal beliefs, personal feelings, or even work schedule. To me, that is a big blessing. 

Within that time, even though I was giving full attention to my family's individual needs, I kept striving to complete my personal goals/work, and business needs. After a few days of consistency (toward work and personal ), I learned that I just couldn't do it all at the moment and a break was in order. I'm so proud of myself because this time I listened to my body. I took a break for the holiday weekend (which still worked due to my daughter's birthday party and a Monday holiday the next day). Finally, it was time to get back in motion. Back to work on a Tuesday morning, on schedule, like things should be. 

Then the struggle came even more in picking a topic of fear to discuss. What fear should I pick this week.......Why was this a struggle when I was so excited and motivated the last few weeks? Well, I kept trying, and as I sat in silence reviewing the family matter that we overcame and came to A conclusion, why keep trying to discuss a fear when I can discuss how I Overcame the things we face the most? Maybe if we look at it from another angle, we can speak more positively on the same subject and gain more strength from the same experience. Maybe that goes hand in hand with the last blog where finding the lesson from your past experiences was discussed. 

So, what did I overcome that was so great? Well, for this particular experience, I overcame My Tongue. Yes, I overcame my mouth speaking (saying) things that are hurtful (and can have a lifelong effect) to my children (and those close to me) because they did something "wrong". I resisted the urge to lash (verbally/physically) out and instead became a stable support for my children through the "wrong" decisions/actions that kept happening back to back. 

As I grew up, we didn't really have much room for mistakes. We also didn't call it a mistake or an experience. Instead, it labeled us as disobedient, ornery, and rebellious, and an immediate, sometimes harsh punishment was in order because we didn't obey. What I think we tend to not realize is that the little humans that we make are not just ours as we see them, but they are  Soul (just as we are). These souls have their own inward desires (as we do). When they are small, we can influence their environment 100%. As they grow, with more mobility and access to the world, their own Inward Voice begins to speak up really loud. Then appears the crossroad of a child doing what the parent demands or following what the heart wants. Even if it's just to stay outside a little longer. Typically (as we know), the heart wins. 

Words Matter

What we speak, the words we choose to speak to our loved ones, and our following generation matter. Especially after a mistake or a life experience, as I like to call it. I choose to encourage them that we all have these moments where we want to try something we've never done before. Even if those we trust tell us not to. Whether it's a drug or sex, a different crowd of friends that seems intriguing, breaking curfew, etc., we are all presented with these desires. Even as adults. We always have 2 lanes of choices and decisions to make when encountering these common situations. Regardless of which decision my kids choose, my job is to explain the pros and cons of the choice they decided to follow. I also chose to support their decision. At times, my support is positive reinforcement or a simple high five to say good decision. Other times, my support is responding to a phone call for help (with no judgment)  or helping pick up the pieces to move forward. Either way, my parental option is to offer words of peace, love, and support, especially to my children. I explain all that to say - Words Matter. Let's be conscious of the words we speak during times of disappointment. It's good to practice on employees or those we encounter daily. It's even better when we can give this grace to our own children (and family).

Overcoming my tongue is a challenge I've faced for years. It wasn't until I realized the residual damage that words said to me, even years ago, affected the way I continued to operate since they were spoken to me. This helped me to realize that the things I choose to say in someone else's moment can negatively affect them. Or, they can also set a high trajectory for the things to come. 

The hardest part is that no one or thing forces you to speak positively. It's simply Your Choice

-Let Love Work

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Overcoming - Letting Go #2

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There's way more to Letting Go than the obvious. Up until recently, I honestly thought that if I could just go long enough without giving my energy to a certain situation, I was over it. Well, when 
something has affected your soul in a deep way (relationships, kids, religion, etc.) due to being hurt, it most likely has caused and left residual effects of damage. In some cases, this is where some form, whether big or small, of mental distraction comes into play. Sadly, most of us never realize or even acknowledge it as such. 

If an experience you had hurts so deeply that it begins to affect your daily activities, then it is not normal. Come on, we've all seen the movie "Acrimony," right? Well, if not, you should go and watch it. I'm pretty sure on some level you can say that you've experienced at least one (most likely more) of those same situations. Whether it was done by you, toward you directly, or you watched (experienced) it done to someone else. The scenes in that movie explain how there are consequences to doing things that other people "made me do" as my reaction to what they did to me first. Take a second and read that part again..... Now, I can understand a heat-of-the-moment argument here and there. I even understand being hurt for a few days over a situation. But when something hurt you months ago and you can't stop calling (harassing), you can't stop searching their social media (thus creating jealousy), you can't help but dig for information about someone (after they hurt you-now performing the malicious activity), you await their downfall or seek revenge, or maybe even continuously cry, etc., then you need to stop and take a deep breath because its time to Let Go.

Through my experiences, I've learned that - For Me, the only way I can fully Let Go of something that has deeply affected me is by coming to the understanding that "everything happens for a reason". We have been saying and hearing that forever but it honestly holds so much Truth. We also say, after some level of achievement that "I wouldn't change a thing I went through because it made me who I am today". But, do we really believe and live that? I challenge you to sit down with your hurts and put aside the disappointment part for just a second. Instead, point out what you learned from that situation... Then, look where that type of incident came up again and you had that lesson you learned from before (that prior hurt) to guide you now. This is only one way to describe how all experiences can be used for our growth/development. It's all helping you get to where you're going and to aid in your life's purpose!

So, how do you really come to that? Well, that "ah ha" or "wow, I finally got it" moment is different for everyone. But for everyone, the same goal of freedom is desired. I can only give my personal experience. 

I had a problem, with disconnecting from my personal items. That issue developed for me as a teenager due to moving/relocating so much as a child. From my preteen years, I adapted (well) to living a military household lifestyle which required relocation and many school changes.  Before that, it was just my Mom and I and we moved around as needed to maintain our stability. Starting in my late teens, I grew a fear of having to leave my stuff behind. As an adult, it developed to where I didn't want people to touch my stuff and deeply didn't like to share. It carried over to my career as a Hair Stylist and spread to include my salon space as well. This over time grew to become an OCD characteristic I developed/obtained making sure everything is always in its place (so nothing gets lost). This, of course eventually spilled over to my parenting. I didn't want other people's kids to touch my children's stuff (like toys). I also (in fear that they'd lose something) expect their things to be perfectly kept in place. This was obviously handing down and training them to carry MY issues and insecurities. 

That might seem minor but it's exactly how it starts. Be honest with yourself. Think back, and discover what the experience was that actually triggered your fear. This will aid in your process to begin to Let Go. For example, as we can see for this one issue I had of attachment to my things I had to go way back to childhood to recognize the initiation of the problem. For me, the actual reason I held this law throughout my life (that things must be organized and perfectly placed) didn't even still apply to my current lifestyle. So, why still be scared to Let Go?

Let - to not prevent or forbid; to  allow

Go - to move from one place to another

"One thing consistent in life is Change." Change is something we shouldn't fear. In the same way that we have seasons, aging, time,  and growth stages we have Life Changes too. To truly Let Go (for me) is to extinguish the burn of that pain by acknowledging (feeling inside) that all of my experiences lead to my greater good. Honestly, making this change came kind of late in life for me. It wasn't until my life became calm, that I fell in love and started to deeply work on myself that allowed me the space for this change. By working on my true self I started letting go of some lifelong Habits. I believe this is what possibly cleared the space for me to feel that deep-down abandoned emotion of attachment. 

We acquire Habits to numb the pain, cover the noise, and help our minds not think about certain ("bad") emotions/experiences. From the coffee overload to cigarettes, unnecessary company (sexually), and the list can go on and on. Sometimes leading us to perform bad actions toward others or even dwell obsessively on religion for comfort. Even simple repeated daily activities are often overlooked regarding attachments. Simple things, for example, coffee are easy to overlook. Research from Villanova University states that caffeine is an addictive drug that operates using the same brain pathways as other major drugs (cocaine, heroin, & more - www1.villanova.edu). They also state that if you feel like you cannot function without it and must consume it every day, then you are addicted to caffeine."- so try to recognize any daily habitual/addictive behavior. These attachments trick and can translate in our mind to equal Overcoming. But what they really do is block the censors and nerves in the body allowing the temporary sensation of relief....but yes, that pain is still there! It's there hiding underneath that temporary satisfaction. We need to have time to quiet our minds without the attachment of a Habit. That is where the healing process can begin. Be quiet, feel the hurt, then find the lesson that the experience taught you, and Let It Go!

I must admit, the idea of experiencing the same thing again if I let my guard down kept me in fear of letting things go. I worried that I would encounter the same hurt as before. Even the excuse of "I don't want my kids to go through that" or " I don't want things to get worse and cause more damage" had kept me bound. I've since learned that holding on to hurt does not control what others will do. I can not control someone else's actions towards me. I can only control my own. We must do our best to re-categorize hurt, pain, heartbreak, and all the "negative" emotions. Let's Let Go of letting past hurt ruin our Future. Control our own decision to Grow from the dirt, Take the lesson, and Use it as a guide in the future. 

If your past pain has hurt you to the level of Habits creating Addiction or  Drug Abuse then PLEASE call The National Drug Helpline at 1-888-633-3239 BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

-Always Overcoming

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Overcoming: Season 1

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Blogging is only one of the many goals that I have on my personal to-do list. Sometimes, we want to accomplish many things that are so far off/unattainable and we get caught up in other things along the way. Whether it's due to a relationship, family, finances, or fears we can tend to lose focus and/or balance.   I have learned that this journey of Self has caused me to learn many lessons through dissecting my past, recognizing my presence and purpose (here on earth) through spirituality, and connecting to my future by proper planning. I invite you to join me in a discussion on this journey of life. Together, we can learn that we can accomplish anything. This is why I have decided that it's time to conquer these fears. I believe that Overcoming personal fears allows your mind to learn that You Can Do ANYTHING! I am done hesitating. Now, while I have so many fears to discuss the first one I've accomplished is obviously starting this blog. So cheers to that!

The reason I opted to go on this personal venture of overcoming fears is that I noticed that as my kids were growing older, doing more adventurous or spontaneous activities with them became a struggle for me because of "my anxiety". Now this "anxiety" is something that I began to deal with maybe 2 years ago. Before this, I always thought anxiety was a cop-out. A reason people used just to get out of doing stuff. I won't go much into that for the sake of time, but from my experience, it is definitely real. It got to be a daily struggle not to add more things that may trigger the anxiety. I had also begun to decline to do things in an effort not to cause a trigger. This practice caused me to become nervous..... about everything. Sounds crazy. Birds, touching fish (pet or sea), roller coasters, and lizards ( I just moved to Florida) are just a few of the things I grew fear of that I once loved while younger.  

    In addition to blogging, I wish to travel the world, start several more businesses (including ebooks & journals), and enjoy true love along the way. My first official business was Heart of Hair Salon, right outside of West Philly. That experience proved to me that my potential is unlimited. I learned that I can accomplish so much. I went from (unexpectedly) losing my job one day, to my own salon being open for business in just 2 weeks (while also attending classes for bartending school simultaneously). From that amazing period in my life, I realized that I could do ANYTHING I put my mind to. All it takes is a little bit of Balance. 

So let's work together as we conquer these fears, live unapologetically, and honor our true self-purpose!